This is bad because my head feels heavy, my nose is red and sore, my eyes are red, I lost 3kg and now I can see double of everything …
I think I’ll go nap. Or faint.
This is the beginning of an end?
You are in love with someone when you :
— check your handphone for his sms every 10 mins
— check your MSN every 15 mins
— check your email every 20 mins
— check your voicemail every 30 mins
— check yourself out everyday just in case he video calls
and if, by the end of it, you are still checking, maybe he’s not worth it.
Speeches. Speechless. That’s the difference that I see in myself after all this time. From quiet, reserved, observant to talk-back, noisy, laugh-around-the-clock and of late, insensitive person.
It’s not exactly a bad change. I used to feel so low about my life, having to live up to my own expectations and as if that’s not enough, I enjoy pushing myself to the limit. Of course, if I want it so badly, I’ll do whatever it takes to get there. I can see that now.
No, I’ve stopped believing that I can live up to my old folks’ expectations. Long time ago. Over the past couple of years, I am in charge of who I am now. It’s a great sense of relief (at first) as I could feel the chains unlocked. Freedom at last. Bla bla bla.
And then, there’s that feeling of discontent. Like life is so empty without a little challenge. So I set some targets. I started very simple. I charted out my life at different timeline. You know, what to be achieved by what age. And then, I zoomed in to the Years that I need to complete certain things in order to reach my targets. And from the Years, you go to the Months. And before long, you’ll have a time chart of your life. In case if you are wondering am I nuts? In a way, yes.
Actually, that keeps you on the right track. It’s so easy to lose focus in these targets just like the many New Year’s Reso that you write up in your diary and then chuck em at the back of your drawer. I’ve seen a person who lose track of what he’s supposed to do and after 10 years he’s still at it. Is there going to be an end? Did he actually plan or even stop to think when will he be able to actually finish it? No, I tell myself, I’ll not end up like him. I haven’t got ten years to lose.
Perhaps it’s not a win or lose situation. It’s a matter of choices we make in our lives that draws us to different paths. He’s right in his own way and so am I. Therefore, I’ll not play judge in others’ lives. Believe me, it’s very tiring to judge people. It’s so much easier if you could just accept people with an open mind and accept their weaknesses as part of your own.
And sometimes you’ll know you have cross the line when you made mistakes so bad, they are unforgiveable. I was not like that. But I realised ever since I am so caught up with my work and studies, I neglected not only myself but the people around me who really cares for me. My family and friends. I’ve hurt them in ways that I couldn’t describe. Being busy and insensitive. Yes, I’ve gained and yet at the same time, I lost too. All those, excuses, lies, make-beliefs that I’ll make up to them … NO, all these have to stop. Let’s admit to ourselves, excuses will always remain excuses.
I may not be able to correct the damages I’ve done. But at least now, I can stop any further damage from now on. And start my "repair" work. I need to heal myself. It’s the only way I can heal others around me.
An end of another chapter in my life.
Last Thursday was like any other Thursday. I put on my "Thursday uniform" and shoot, I was running late as my stupid permed hair is getting really troublesome to manage and I think I’m beginning to have Diana Ross’s hair. *Shivers*
Note to myself : Straight hair rules !
I reached Traffic Lights No. 1. Lucky for me, traffic was light. As the light turned green, I started to move. And stop. The scene played in front of me is so heart breaking. The car in front of me, knocked into a kitten and the poor thing was struggling to get up. It was wriggling and more like wincing in pain. I almost run over it. You’d think that the person who knocked it would at least stop to see the condition of the kitten. No, typically, the driver never look back.
I have to look back. I couldn’t get the picture of the kitten struggling at the road side out of my mind. I was saying to myself, it might just be a little injured and if left at the road side, other cars, motor bikes might run over it again and it’ll have zero chance of survival. I parked my car on impulse and walked over to the junction. En route, I saw a familiar face. I ignored her. Even though she was calling out to me. My mind was only focus on one thing - save the kitten.
When I got there, the light was red. Bikes were lining at the side. And the kitten is also lying at the side. It wasn’t moving. It wasn’t struggling anymore. I know it’s gone. But no one pick it up and put it out of the runway range. It’ll be left rotten at the side of the road. Or perhaps being run over and over again. Like the ‘usual’ scene we saw on the road. I had to pick it up and place it at a nearby grassy area. (Despite numerous stares I was getting from passerbys, motorcyclists and drivers alike.) At least, if lucky, it might be picked up by sweepers and given a proper, justified end?
Or I was just being so naive to hope that it would by some miracle, able to get up and survive?
I got to work a little later than usual. But for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help thinking about the kitten.
At the end of the day, as I was driving back, I was so curious to see if it was still there. Yes, it was still there, exactly at the spot where I left it. So yeah, I didn’t save it, I only spared it’s corpse from being mutilated again and again.
Yes, I know I wasn’t the one who run over it. But I felt so bad and troubled seeing the scene. I wonder if the driver who run over it even know he/she ran over it? Or are they just plain-don’t-give-a-damn people?
It’s a very unfortunate thing to run over an animal. It’s even more a horrible thing to run over a person. But animal has feelings too. They do hurt. Like us do.
As I continued to go through my daily boring routine, work, work and more work, I forgot all about my priorities. Yeah, it was so easy to set them on New Year’s Eve - New Year’s resolutions huh?
I know, it’s not easy from the start but I was quite determine to make it work. To balance between work and study and to have normal social life. (I barely have zero social life) Most the days, I’d be too tired to even watch a 1/2 hr sitcom. Why am I complaining when I already agreed to the terms of my decisions?
Sometimes, I wish I could just forget all about priorities, objectives, commitments, and all those heavy weights thoughts. Can I? I thought I could but I really couldn’t. Picture an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulders. Haha. Most of the time, angel talked me out of doing anything stupid. No, I’m not saying I am an angel. Puh-leeze. I do have a darker side you know. Which I won’t blab out here. 
Why? Why can’t I allow myself to have fun with my friends?
Commitments.
Why? Why do I have to study and work my butt out?
Commitments.
God, I hate that word.
This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel…
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal… for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re ‘here’ not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see
They’re tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could…
Steady feet, don’t fail me now
Gonna run till you can’t walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I’m standing down…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, you don’t need
What u need, what u need…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do u see what I see…
I just viewed Apologize from YouTube. REally. Good. Stuff! How come I’ve never heard of One Republic before? Their song is totally awesome! Been playing it over and over again.
I am ever a decisive person. I can’t decide right on the spot not unless I’ve had a moment or two to think about it. But there are situations where you don’t have a moment at all to think about it.
For example, on the road, when u meet a road bully. How do you react to such people? I’ve known my friends who would simply give them their finger. Nice one. For me, it’s an icy glare and a blaring horn. Not like the bully has any antenna to realise any of this. They are just too thick skinned.
I lead a very normal and debt free lifestyle. I don’t believe in getting myself submerged in debts and hoping to get rid of them in your next pay out. Honestly what’s the fun in being in debts for one fun night out? When is it going to get into people’s head that if u can’t afford, u just can’t afford? Borrowing money is not going to solve the problem.
I had thought more than twice before I decided NOT to live such a life. It’s just way too childish and stressed out to live each day knowing that u r owing your best pal money that u know u can’t afford to pay back. Why? Why live such a life? For glamor’s sake?
At times like this, my experience tells me that if you really wanna help your friend who has this type of ‘illness’, please don’t lend them money. Tell yourself you r doing this for his/her own good. He/She would only get worst. Remember, you are not helping them, you are indirectly guiding them to the point of no return.
And I’ve learned my lesson.
Here I am, a year older. This is getting really surreal. Anyway, I wanna thank all my fans, ahem.. sorry, I mean, my friends for wishing me well. U guys rocks!
Especially to my pals at the clinic. They made me a lovely card with a sweetner inside,a real one. LoL. Really nice of them. Thanks Suzanne, Cheok, Amir n Jay! And also to Mrs. Ti, for her bday present.
This proves that friendship beats d rest when it comes to remembering n sharing.
Thanks!
Ha. So, typical news the day after Val’s day. Mass wedding for couples. Bla bla. Didn’t anyone notice that it’s always the same news the day after year after year?? Ugh. Like as if getting married / engaged / maybe even pregnant would change the rate of divorce. People are just so caught up with this whole romantic day thing. And what’s with the fake flowers? That costs RM3000 or more. Oh so real flowers don’t last, they come up with this fake flowers idea that is considered ‘worthwhile’. Come on, for RM3000 a couple could go for a nice holiday okay! Instead, the girl got the fake flowers sitting in her room, taking up space as well, which will be covered in dust in a few weeks time. This is what you call, morons. Haha
Okay, so I don’t celebrate Val’s day. Sue me for putting down this hopelessly, madly, insanely in love blokes. I just think that with the cost of living have increased so much and money should be wisely spent. Well, at least if you spend it on a fancy restaurant, you actually tasted something nice for a change. But flowers? Yeah, they look nice and all but 500 stalks?? Romantic? Not!
I do have something nice to say about Val’s day though. Not a complete “sore loser”. I have a very nice, sweet, thoughtful friend whom always never fail to wish me on Valentine’s day. I mean, how sweet is that? And he’s just a friend from far far away. Thank you so much. At least we know that nice guys do exist. Just not nearby but a distance away.
This morning in the clinic, something of an emergency happened. A guy walked in with a bleeding finger. And I do mean, BLEEDING. First thing I did was, throw him a lot of tissues. Yeah, like that would stop the bleeding. And after registering him in, he was ushered into the doctor’s room. That guy is a machinist. And the cut is quite serious, according to the doctor, his finger’s tendon was severed. Bone is intact though. Such serious case, obviously he has to go to the hospital to get it fix. And so the doc suggested one of the hospitals. And can you guess what that guy said. ‘ My company doesn’t cover such expenses ‘. Seriously dude, you are about to lose one of your fingers, so what if your bloody company doesn’t cover the expense? Pay yourself first and this sort of issue shouldn’t be on your priority list. Which is more important? Your bloody finger or your stupid company who doesn’t cover the expenses? Sigh. Perhaps he was in a deluded state. Yeah, could be. Since he lost quite a lot of blood. Poor guy.
